try this shit out

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Originally uploaded by partystore.

hey look, it's k. smith in the backyard of my 2nd jewel st apt. that place had its charms....

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accountability

i heard this report on npr i think when i was in college, this native spanish speaker was complaining about his corrupt government, wait this might have been TV, whatever: point is: Dude had this great sentence: "in america, you have a word, it is accountability." i loved how he pronounced "accountability." i loved how he lovecd the concept of accountability. accountability is indeed a strong concept, up there with fairness and honesty. anyway, here is some accountability "housekeeping" as they say in the biz:

1) no phone secks since sunday. i am keeping detail;ed notes in my paper journal, which is trez importantez. full spendage records too. so i KNOW how much i'm slipping or saving month to month. the goal is to slip no more than i already have and start actually making back up some ground. in month of sept so far one psc. well threee if you count "after midnight on aug 31/sept 1" which i guess i should. will i ? i don't know.

2. at work today i need to do two things: 1. HDV out to tami. 2. plan E tools fully.

ok! check back at 6:14.

i have a dreams

-you totally love ann belle (i did! In the dream i was so ashamed and so floored by the self-realization WOW!) maybe it's cuz i don't totally hate her now that she's mellowed? i don't know.

--something sexual that was pretty awesome for a minute, can't r emember what it was though.

--amy doing standup pretty well. she is not known for her sense of humor. her big joke was "how come all these minnesotans talk about how SMART they are, it's like, do some math and show me! all i hear is talk!" and that made kiirs laugh, she was sitting next to me. she thought it was funny/true. in real life she wouldn't have liked it, and also i think the reason that popped into my head was two fold: 1) met a minnesotan PR girl named bridget last night at the hP thing, of course she was blonde and tall and had a nordic name like kiirs. however she shoewd no interest in me, boohoo. 2) i secretly think kirrs is not necessarily a good writer (though i've only seen crap examples of work that *I* actually convinced her to just crap out) and by corrollary (not really but whatever) not as intelligent as she puts on. of course. she is smart.

--some stuff about high school, what dream would be complete without it! this one no martyn hooper though. what were the specifics? dammit.

oh yeah

also kiirs finally contacted me thru the tubese of the internets and that was ok. i am much less UP and DOWN than before, like not as much crying (not any for a while hackturally) but teh hard part is dealing with monotony at the momento. i mean, i even tried to get a date off the internets and then i chickened out because i thought i was doing the same thing, going on a date with a girl whose expectations would lead me to do things i didn't really want to do and i'd feel guilty about trolling for pussnanny and then i'd be their bf even though tehy weren't that attractive anyways.

so i broke the date, sorta. we'll see. i think she has an odd nose, and she looks like she doesn't take very good care of herself. like she's really snmall so she thinks she can not exercize and junk. i'm such a dickface.

SAME iS hARD

drudgery? more like samery. flamer=me if i were ever to go gay (i would go all the way).

i don't knowq what is coming in the next five years but the previous five have been shit. THANK YOU TERRORISTs AND MY OWN LACK OF SELF_CONFIDENCE WHICH LEADS ME TO DATE SHITTY GIRLS AND BEAT OFF A LOT AND STAY AT THE SAME JOB AND CONVINCE MYSELF I"M WORTLHELss.

so yeah, lack of self-confidence is the real problem, the terrorists were only a problem for a few thousand. not for me.

sidfd fd worthles? no, i mean, not any more than anyone else.

i like hugs.

i'm birthday!

i just had a bday yesterday. yaya. i ate pies and got drunk on a schoolnight. fun, and got some random chick's phone number with my "birthday courage" at its peak. livin in park slope you usually can't find a good party on a weeknight so it was up to the burg as things like that ususallyauauaully require.

how am i doing? i don't know. i'm getting lazier by the minute i fear. today was a good day, though, i got shit done and fucked up other shit. oh and i threw my shake weed down the toilet hole and deleted my shake weed dealer from phone. sad day. but happy. i can't have skanky skank weed around because no one will smoke it with me. they all like "good weed" or whatever. my attitude is it's all the fucking same. which is why i buy shitty weed. but tell that to potheads i geuss: your ewed is so like other weeds! there is NO GOOD WEED! haha.

so i guess i'm taking a breka from doing illegal drugs for a while. good move. now i don't have to spiral any further into my own head!!!!!!!!!

i fail again, then i win

at this point it's completely pathetic, but you gotta start somewhere.

two nights ago, after begging myself to be a good boy and not call for phone secks, i did. i failed.

last night, i was such a good boy. i winned. i came home after a long day at work, lay in bed depressed until i started sobbing, then got up and got on with my evening. tlin called -- i telepathically commanded her to, and she did. so that was good. i just gotta remember to treat her like the great friend that she is.

no phone secks, drugs, or rock and roll. (just a little ghostface to help me wash my pile of dishes.)

hopefully more boringness tonite.

crying out, now incoherent

ok, that last post had a point, then it got too long, then it turned into a rant when i tried to end it. sorry. more ranting:

i spend all day alone. i spend all night alone. i don't talk to anyone, ever, unless it's on the phone or the exchange of pleasantries. no face time. so at home i do negative things, because i am sad and alone and i don't care that i am doing negative things. no one needs to know how bad i feel. no one wants to know.

i am a negative person who tries to act positive. i can be positive for others, but not for myself. i don't believe i'm much of anything, that i matter much to anyone besides my family. i think my group of friends is set up so that the parts are interchangeable. if someone moves out of town, well, other people are still around. go talk to them. i don't matter to anyone besides maybe two friends here, and two friends there. four people, plus three family members. seven people give a shit. is that a lot? it might be. i might be lucky and not know it.

do i give enough of a shit about other people? i haven't for the past couple years. it was inconvenient when i had a girlfriend, because she would listen in on all my conversations and ask questions about them when i was done talking. so i stopped calling anyone. i didn't have privacy so fuck it. i rreally despise her for that (why didn't i just dump her? touche). now i could call people, catch up, all that. i've tried a bit, not very hard. i need to try harder. my negligence has hurt some relationships, i hope not too much. i want to smash my head into a wall. i can't see a way out. i see nothing but more deterioration - of my will, my friendships, my abilities. i am destroying myself slowly, and have been for years.

work

when i was 15 i had my first summer job.

the previous summer, between my freshman and sophomore years in high school, i spent in the basement studying french, in the basement playing sega genesis, and in bedroom reading books. i felt like a nothing, because i didn't have a job. i was too much of a pussy to try caddying, which seemed like an awful deal - wake up at 5:30am to carry some dude's bag and get all these golf rituals correct. i was way too small and clumsy to believe i could do that without suffering substantial humiliation on the daily. that was really the only job i knew about, the only job i could get as a 14 year old and also get a ride to. so fuck it, i was 14. i stuck around the house and whiled the hours away somehow. and french 2 wasn't that big a deal, just more grammar.

so that summer i wasn't making money and i wasn't playing sports. i was festering. i don't know if my parents knew it, but i was probably quite depressed. i had actually depressed a lot that school year, as many 14 year olds are.

so the next summer, i was determined to work. still didn't have a good way to get anywhere, but that was ok - the cleaning lady that made our house smell like lemons every wednesday also had a lawn-cutting service on the side. she could use another mower-operator, so i jumped at it. i sat between her and her 80-year-old uncle in the cab of the covered pickup as we drove from job to job. the first week, it took me a bit to get it together. i was a weak little kid, still - i hadn't played sports again that year, as i'd entered sophomore year with a broken arm. that killed my soccer career.

but after a week, my cleaning lady and new boss called my mom and told her it wasn't working out, that i was too weak. (she was a beast who pumped iron, of course.) so i'd work for her another week and then i'd be home for another summer of festering. i cried like a baby when i heard the news. my parents didn't know what to do. i remember saying "i've got NOTHING going for me right now." which was true. no discernible hobbies, no friends within walking distance, no girls, no job, no sports, no nothing. so i cried some more and then my parents took my puffy face to see "howard's end" at the dollar show. rock.

the next week, ostensibly my last working as a lawnboy, i must have just gotten the hang of everything, finding a rhythm once i ceased caring. or maybe i was consciously trying to prove myself to the cleaning lady. either way, she graciously spared me at the end of the week. i'd end up working for her all that summer and the next, swallowing crypto-racist banter and her uncle's pee smell in the cab of the truck.

every summer after that, i had a fulltime job. in the brief periods i didn't, i'd be depressed. this is why i'm terrified to quit my current job, to branch out and see what the wide world has to offer. freelancing, etc. i'm too worried i'll spiral out of control and ... well, i don't have much confidence right now. but i haven't for a while, excepting brief periods. but now i find myself depressed in my fulltime, longterm job, and i don't know what to do. i'm all alone. i don't have anyone to talk to. no one really wants to hear this crap. i need a therapist, i guess. i tried getting one before, but i can't figure out how to do it. HR is a movign target at this job - the HR rep is here, then quits, then in atlanta, then let go, then operations are shifted and... the point is i can't figure out how to get a therapist. so i stew. probably not the best solution.