Wednesday, August 09, 2006

crying out, now incoherent

ok, that last post had a point, then it got too long, then it turned into a rant when i tried to end it. sorry. more ranting:

i spend all day alone. i spend all night alone. i don't talk to anyone, ever, unless it's on the phone or the exchange of pleasantries. no face time. so at home i do negative things, because i am sad and alone and i don't care that i am doing negative things. no one needs to know how bad i feel. no one wants to know.

i am a negative person who tries to act positive. i can be positive for others, but not for myself. i don't believe i'm much of anything, that i matter much to anyone besides my family. i think my group of friends is set up so that the parts are interchangeable. if someone moves out of town, well, other people are still around. go talk to them. i don't matter to anyone besides maybe two friends here, and two friends there. four people, plus three family members. seven people give a shit. is that a lot? it might be. i might be lucky and not know it.

do i give enough of a shit about other people? i haven't for the past couple years. it was inconvenient when i had a girlfriend, because she would listen in on all my conversations and ask questions about them when i was done talking. so i stopped calling anyone. i didn't have privacy so fuck it. i rreally despise her for that (why didn't i just dump her? touche). now i could call people, catch up, all that. i've tried a bit, not very hard. i need to try harder. my negligence has hurt some relationships, i hope not too much. i want to smash my head into a wall. i can't see a way out. i see nothing but more deterioration - of my will, my friendships, my abilities. i am destroying myself slowly, and have been for years.


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