accountability

i heard this report on npr i think when i was in college, this native spanish speaker was complaining about his corrupt government, wait this might have been TV, whatever: point is: Dude had this great sentence: "in america, you have a word, it is accountability." i loved how he pronounced "accountability." i loved how he lovecd the concept of accountability. accountability is indeed a strong concept, up there with fairness and honesty. anyway, here is some accountability "housekeeping" as they say in the biz:

1) no phone secks since sunday. i am keeping detail;ed notes in my paper journal, which is trez importantez. full spendage records too. so i KNOW how much i'm slipping or saving month to month. the goal is to slip no more than i already have and start actually making back up some ground. in month of sept so far one psc. well threee if you count "after midnight on aug 31/sept 1" which i guess i should. will i ? i don't know.

2. at work today i need to do two things: 1. HDV out to tami. 2. plan E tools fully.

ok! check back at 6:14.

i have a dreams

-you totally love ann belle (i did! In the dream i was so ashamed and so floored by the self-realization WOW!) maybe it's cuz i don't totally hate her now that she's mellowed? i don't know.

--something sexual that was pretty awesome for a minute, can't r emember what it was though.

--amy doing standup pretty well. she is not known for her sense of humor. her big joke was "how come all these minnesotans talk about how SMART they are, it's like, do some math and show me! all i hear is talk!" and that made kiirs laugh, she was sitting next to me. she thought it was funny/true. in real life she wouldn't have liked it, and also i think the reason that popped into my head was two fold: 1) met a minnesotan PR girl named bridget last night at the hP thing, of course she was blonde and tall and had a nordic name like kiirs. however she shoewd no interest in me, boohoo. 2) i secretly think kirrs is not necessarily a good writer (though i've only seen crap examples of work that *I* actually convinced her to just crap out) and by corrollary (not really but whatever) not as intelligent as she puts on. of course. she is smart.

--some stuff about high school, what dream would be complete without it! this one no martyn hooper though. what were the specifics? dammit.

oh yeah

also kiirs finally contacted me thru the tubese of the internets and that was ok. i am much less UP and DOWN than before, like not as much crying (not any for a while hackturally) but teh hard part is dealing with monotony at the momento. i mean, i even tried to get a date off the internets and then i chickened out because i thought i was doing the same thing, going on a date with a girl whose expectations would lead me to do things i didn't really want to do and i'd feel guilty about trolling for pussnanny and then i'd be their bf even though tehy weren't that attractive anyways.

so i broke the date, sorta. we'll see. i think she has an odd nose, and she looks like she doesn't take very good care of herself. like she's really snmall so she thinks she can not exercize and junk. i'm such a dickface.

SAME iS hARD

drudgery? more like samery. flamer=me if i were ever to go gay (i would go all the way).

i don't knowq what is coming in the next five years but the previous five have been shit. THANK YOU TERRORISTs AND MY OWN LACK OF SELF_CONFIDENCE WHICH LEADS ME TO DATE SHITTY GIRLS AND BEAT OFF A LOT AND STAY AT THE SAME JOB AND CONVINCE MYSELF I"M WORTLHELss.

so yeah, lack of self-confidence is the real problem, the terrorists were only a problem for a few thousand. not for me.

sidfd fd worthles? no, i mean, not any more than anyone else.

i like hugs.