shari knows all

Q. I've been seeing a woman I'm nuts about for roughly 7 months. She's amazing; talented, smart, worldly, successful, vivacious and great in bed. The trouble is, I get the feeling I'm just a 'fling' for her, and there's really no future in this deal. When I talk about wanting more time, attention, commitment and sense of continuity in our relationship, she either changes the subject or details how she thinks we're incompatible. My bullshit barometer keeps telling me that no matter what I do or how much I change, it's not gonna make a difference in my shot at a future here. I don't know what to do, as for all intents and purposes, I see her as the 'perfect' woman for me! Any suggestions? Boy Toy

A. Dear Boy Toy: When a man wants to share his heart with a woman, he needs to pay particular attention to her capacity for connection, compassion and humanity. He should also look at her romantic history; what kind of relationships she's chosen in the past, how long they lasted, and their interpersonal dynamics. You need to assess whether the two of you share similar goals for yourselves and this relationship, or are you trying to fit square pegs into round holes? Your lady may be the most sensual/sexual creature on the face of this earth, but if you can't get near the soft parts behind her breastbone, you'll be forever trapped in yearning for something that's unattainable, and never feel you measure up. If you have a high tolerance for the feelings this invokes, it's extremely likely you had parallel experiences in childhood, and still carry those open wounds. There's an old saying; If you wanna know what you want, look around at what you have. Painful, negative experiences are far easier to replicate than positive ones, because on some level, they're familiar to us (we already have that roadmap). If you're really looking to give your heart (along with the rest of you) look for someone who can treasure it, and return your interest and affection.